(Not to be taken seriously. This is completely tongue-in-cheek!)
Pitchers and catchers report in ZZZzzz. I’m sorry, I fell asleep just typing that.
It pretty much happens every time I watch boreball and wait for the bloated pitcher to decide what pitch to throw to an even more bloated catcher. You figure every pitch takes about a half a second to go from the mound to home plate and then another second to be thrown back. Then another thirty seconds for the pitcher and catcher to chat about ZZZzzz. I did it again, sorry. Translate that from seconds to minutes and you get about a minute and a half worth of action for every half hour.
Not to mention two drops of rain and the game gets called. Oh sure…they’ll tell you “it’s a safety issue because the ball travels so fast and if it slips out of someone’s hands in the rain, or the bat slips out of the batter’s hands, both could do some real damage.” If you ask me, they’re just certain that the rain will make their clothes stick to them and showcase their gigantic, fat asses.
“But the hardest thing in sports to do is to stay awake watching boreball!”
No, wait. I got that wrong.
Boreball fans will tell you “hitting a fastball is the hardest thing to do in sports.” When you factor in the staying awake part you might be on to something, but statistically? Not so much.
The all-time league average for batting in Major League Boreball is between .260 and .275. Now I’m not very good at Common Core math but I think you’re supposed to round numbers to make them easier. So let’s round this to .250, or 1 in 4 batters get hits. It just makes my head hurt less.
In soccer, a sport played by real athletes who aren’t afraid of getting their uniforms wet to show the fact that they’re not grotesquely overweight and often just rip their shirts off just to embarrass boreball (ahem!) athletes, the average goal keeper stops about 15% of penalty kicks shot on goal.
“So, it’s harder to stop a PK than hit a fastball?”
YES!
“But, what about football?”
You mean soccer?
“Fine. American football!”
This weekend is Super Bowl Sunday. However, they might want to call it Ad Bowl or Replay Bowl Sunday. The Wall Street Journal reported in 2010 the average American football game lasts about three hours but has only 11 minutes of actual live action. The rest is divided up between replays, advertisements, crowd shots and waiting for the ball to be snapped. ZZZzzz. Sorry, some sports just give me narcolepsy.
What the rest of the world calls football features 90 minutes of nonstop action and if too much time is wasted, the referee adds it on at the end of the game to make sure fans get their money’s worth.
“What about that crazy offsides rule?”
It’s simple. If you’re thinking in terms of American football, think of the last defender as the line of scrimmage.
“There is too much theatrics in soccer.”
You mean like basketball players sliding half way across the court on their asses just to draw a charge? Or what about American football players who dance like they just won the lottery after making a basic tackle? Those aren’t theatrical?
In soccer, there is no time for that. A player kicks the ball 65 yards and hits his teammate perfectly in stride doesn’t have time to celebrate the quintessential pass because the game is still going on.
As for the NBA, the game is only 48 minutes long but rarely does a player play the entire 48 minutes. Plus, there are, at least, a hundred or so timeouts in every game. Whereas in soccer 8 of the 11 starters are going to play the whole 90 minutes! No timeouts!
“Hockey! Now that’s a sport!”
Hockey is a great sport except the players skate around for thirty seconds at a time like Dorothy Hamil and then they need a break. Not to mention, LA has won far too many titles and should be disqualified from playing a game on ice when the only ice they have goes in a drink.
Pitchers and catchers? Whatever. Major League Soccer’s preseason is already under way and the regular season starts on March 6th. There are few things more fun than live soccer. The chanting, the singing, and 90 minutes of nonstop action make it great fun. And tickets are often much cheaper than all the other sports, too. Go support your local MLS team in the fastest growing sport in the country and what the rest of the world calls The Beautiful Game! Go Revs!
Duke of Dead Air 