I had dinner last night with my old pal, Morning Guy Tai – some would call him the original Duke of Dead Air! We reminisced about our days working at WFNX. It got me thinking of some of my old stories and I woke up this morning remembering this behind the scenes ditty from the mid 90s that took place during my show in the middle of the night. This is the first time I’ve publicly shared it.
The alarm light went off signaling that someone was at the front door of the radio station. That’s how it worked in the radio world, you couldn’t have doorbells ringing for obvious reasons. If some drunken listener discovered they could hear the doorbell over the air every time the DJ spoke, they’d show up and ring the doorbell all night until you played Freebird for them.
It was 3 am and while it was unusual for someone to show up at the station in the middle of the night, it was not entirely unheard of. It could have been an intern desperate to get production studio time or the promotions team would often unload gear from a gig in town and didn’t have their keys or it could have been derelicts, drug dealers or prostitutes. This was Central Square, Lynn, after all. We had no high tech surveillance cameras so I had no way of seeing who was at the door.
“Hello?” I asked into the intercom.
“Yeah,” the voice downstairs responded. “Do you live on Essex Street in Salem?”
In fact, I did live on Essex Street in Salem.
“Why do you ask?” Never let them sense fear, I thought!
“Because I saw your car,” he said. “And I live in the same building as you. I’m your neighbor.”
“What are you doing in Central Square in the middle of the night?” I asked.
“I got sorta mugged, dude.”
“You got mugged?” I asked. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m fine. Can you let me in? It’s freezing out here!”
Freezing? It was a nice cool summer evening, what was he talking about?
“I’ll be down in a minute.”
I still had no idea who he was so I snuck down the first flight of stairs and peaked from the landing to see what was going on. I recognized him right away, he lived in my building which had a dozen or so apartments. I barely knew any of my neighbors. He was a portly guy in his early 20s. We’d shared hellos a few times but nothing more. He always seemed harmless and nice enough. As I got down to the door I realized he was soaking wet, looked a little drunk and was wearing nothing but boxers. There were no obvious injuries so I assumed he was okay.
“What the Hell happened to you?” I asked as I let him in the building.
“I got rolled, dude.” He replied.
“You got ROLLED?” I tried not to laugh.
We ran upstairs because I was afraid my song was about to end and I’d once again be dubbed the Duke of Dead Air.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been walking all around Lynn trying figure out how I was gonna get home and then I recognized your car. Can you give me a ride?”
“I’m at work right now,” I said. “I can give you a ride after my shift ends at 6.”
We got into the studio as my song was ending. I hopped on the air and did a quick break into commercials.
“You’re a DJ?” he asked. “That’s so cool!”
“Yeah, I’m a DJ.” I said. “Thanks. So what happened tonight?”
“I’m a cook at Kelly’s on Revere Beach,” he said. “And me and some friends decided to get grab some beers after work so we headed to a bar here in Lynn.”
He plopped his wet body down on one of the chairs.
“Anyway,” he continued. “I started chatting up these two wicked hot chicks. We were dancing and doing shots and having a helluva time.”
I looked at the clock and realized Henry, the news guy, would walk in the studio in an hour or so. I was happy this still wet guy didn’t sit in Henry’s seat.
“I asked them if they wanted to go skinny dipping,” he said.
“Nice!” I laughed.
“I was hoping it would lead to a threesome on the beach with them,” shrugged this modern day, future Friar Tuck.
Right. Because ‘wicked hot chicks’ would have just lined up to have a threesome with you at 3 am. On the beach. In Lynn. Perfect!
“So,” I laughed. “Did they?”
“No!” he said. “We got to the beach and they told me to take my clothes off and go ahead. They’d join me in the water in a few minutes.”
This was a prank, right? I looked around for cameras and realized the only place he could hide one was in his boxers and that made me feel a bit queasy. This guy had to get some clothes on.
“So,” he said. “I did. I went in and started splashing around and having fun, right? I kept yelling back to them that they should join me but they never responded.”
I shook my head.
“I looked back,” he said. “And they were running down the beach so I got out to get dressed and chase after them.”
Please get dressed right now, I thought.
“Only,” he said. “I couldn’t find my clothes any where! Just my boxers!”
Well, that was nice of them! I could barely contain myself and headed for the studio door.
“Let me see if I can find you a t-shirt or something,” I said. “We always have band shirts lying around. Don’t touch anything while I’m gone!”
“I won’t,” he said.
I laughed for a few minutes on the other side of the studio door and then found a t-shirt in my locker from the band Fretblanket.
“Here you go,” I tossed him the shirt as I walked back in to the studio.
“Thanks!”
“Did you look all over the beach?” I asked. “For your clothes?”
“Everywhere, dude!”
“What else did they get?”
“They got my clothes,” he said. “My wallet. My watch.”
“They got your WALLET?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “They got my wallet!”
“You should report them to the police, then,” I said. “That’s stealing.”
“I can’t, dude,” he said. “I had two joints in my wallet.”
“Oh,” I said.
“Hey,” he said. “Can I go crash on that couch out there? I’m dragging!”
“Sure,” I said. “You should probably throw that shirt on, though. The morning crew is going to be coming in any minute and it would be better if you weren’t lounging around the office in your underwear.”
“Oh yeah,” he said and put on the shirt I gave him while I loaded my next CD.
I had forgotten the t-shirt had the lyrics to one of Fretblanket’s songs scrolled across the front of it and when I looked up I quickly had to turn away to hide my laughing. Across his chest read the following:
“Take off my clothes and drag me to the sea…”
Duke of Dead Air 