Tortured by a Song

Has there ever been a song that everyone you know loves but you don’t get? I’m talking about the kind of song that you just cannot get away from; the entire world loves it but you? There is one song in particular that has plagued me since my teens.

A few days before Christmas, I took my girlfriend out to lunch. When we first started dating I told her, “Stick with me, kid! Nothing but the best for you!” So, naturally, I took her to the food bar at Whole Foods, because I’m a classy guy. No expense is too much for my girl. Also, it happened to be the closest place to her office and we only had a short period of time for lunch.

We sat among exhausted and stressed out Christmas shoppers when what to my wondering ears should appear? Why it’s that song that has made me cringe and cringe for years. My musical nemesis pumped throughout the store, the song that just won’t die. It’s a song most of you know, and almost all of you love, and it has been sheer torture for me since 1982. Despite risking the loss of many friends and comrades in arms, I’m going to say it; I hate “Come On Eileen” by Dexys Midnight Runners! There. I said it. Phew! I feel better now. The rest of the world loved the over the top sugary pop of it all and that horrible beat, bomp ba bomp, bomp ba bomp, while I could never stand the corniness of those goofy lyrics and vocals.

Toora loora toora loo cut the crap! This song is awful!

My friend Tom was one of my first friends to get a car, a 1978 tan Ford Mustang hatchback. It needed some fluid or another every time we went anywhere but we loved it! It was freedom for all of us, not just for Tom! We went everywhere in that car. We took trips to the beach, trips to Boston or just rode around town with the stereo blasting. What more could a bunch of teenagers want in life? And when Tom discovered how the song was like nails on a chalkboard to me, he had to torment me. He played it at full volume singing along intentionally out of tune and substituting curse words when he didn’t know the lyrics.

“Toora loora fuckity fuck!” he’d sing.

What? Why?

When the song ended, he’d search the radio dial in hopes of hearing it again. To this day I’m not sure which he liked more, the song or torturing me.

Eventually, the song’s popularity waned and the reign of Dexys Midnight Runners’ terror over me ended.

Then sometime in the early 90s the song reared it’s ugly head. I have no idea why or who decided to bring this monstrosity back but there was clearly only one reason, to torture me!

As a DJ on WFNX, I was given the opportunity to spin at some prestigious, and not so prestigious, nightclubs. One of the most prestigious gigs was spinning Saturday nights on Lansdowne Street for X-Night at Axis. Axis was the cool, hip club in Boston for Alternative music and X-Night was the night FNX took it over. I was asked to spin Alternative tunes from the 80s upstairs. I jumped at the chance. I was often hanging out there, anyway. And now I could get paid for it? Great! 80s tunes? I can totally do that. The Cure, The Smiths, Echo & the Bunnymen, New Order, The The, Depeche Mode, I loved them all! The only rule was that I had to spin one particular song during the last thirty minutes of the night and never before, no matter how much it was requested. Also, I was never to tell anyone that they’re not going to hear it until the last thirty minutes of the night, so they wouldn’t leave. That song? Dexys Midnight Runners’ Come on Eileen. Aw, come on! Seriously? I didn’t even own the song! I had to buy the damn album, which for some unknown reason I still own, so I could have it for Saturday night at Axis.

The song was just about four and a half minutes long so how bad could it have been? I’d play it toward the end of the night and not think about it until then.

Doors opened at 9 pm, and the first person to walk into the DJ booth at 9:01 pm was a large man wearing a leather kilt. The first words out of his mouth were, “You’re gonna play Come On Eileen, right?”

ALREADY? No! The night just started! And just like that the Toora Loora crap romped in my head. WHY???

“Yeah, I’m gonna play it.” I muttered, pretty close to defeat.

He strategically positioned himself where he could make eye contact with me for the rest of the night. As each song would begin to fade he’d look at me with puppy dog eyes anticipation, which would quickly turn to disgust and sheer hatred when ever I played a song that wasn’t it. This would go on for four and a half hours!

When I finally played the song he jumped up and sprinted to the dance floor. He strutted and pranced and skipped around the entire room at full speed for the entire length of the damn song. This was his moment and he owned it! I had to admit that even though I loathed this tune, it was kind of fun to see it bring such joy to someone.

I spun upstairs at X-Night quite a bit over the next few years, and every time this guy would show up and ask me if I was going to play “it,” as he no longer needed to say it’s name. He’d hang out where he could give me the hairy eyeball all night long and erupt into his own skipping/prancing heaven in the last half hour of the night.

So when the song came on at Whole Foods I shook my head and sighed. My girlfriend looked at me and asked what was up? I told her how I absolutely hated the song and how it has stalked me for decades.

“Oh,” she said. “I love it. It’s fun!”

NO!!!